How to Love Someone Based on Their Enneagram Type

We all have this tendency to love people the way we want to be loved. But, everyone wants to be loved differently. By understanding what someone’s fears and desires (by knowing their enneagram type), you can learn how to love them how they want you to and in a way that helps them grow.

Type 1 – The Reformer

Type 1s are conscientious and ethical. They want everything to be in order.

To show them you love them:

  • • Take your share of responsibilities. Otherwise, they’ll end up doing all the work.
  • • Reassure them often and tell them that they’re doing great.
  • • Listen to their worries and concerns. But then, help them lighten up and have a little fun.
  • • If you need to criticize them, be gentle. Their inner critic can be cruel.
  • • Give them time to adjust to change.
  • • Remind them not to compare themselves to others.

Type 2 – The Helper

Type 2s are sincere, empathetic, and warm-hearted. They want to feel loved.

You can show them love by:

  • • Surprising them with thoughtful gifts. These show them that you listen to them and make them feel seen, known, and valued.
  • • Telling them specifically what you admire and love about them.
  • • Celebrating when they practice self-care and compassion toward themselves.
  • • Reminding them that they don’t need approval and appreciation from others.
  • • Taking a genuine interest in their problems, even though they’ll probably try to shift the focus back to you.
  • • Letting them know how special and important they are to you.
  • • Helping them set limits because they might have a hard time saying, “no.”

Type 3 – The Achiever

Achievers are self-assured, charming, and ambitious. They want to feel valuable and worthwhile.

Love them by:

  • • Reminding them that being great isn’t about what they do. It’s about who they are.
  • • Telling them that you like being around them.
  • • Letting them know how proud you are of them and their accomplishments.
  • • Not interrupting them when they’re working.
  • • Giving them honest feedback. Just be sure that it’s not overly critical or judgmental.
  • • Reminding them that they don’t have to earn your love.
  • • Giving them a heads up when you need their support so they can clear their mind and focus all their energy on you.

Type 4 – The Individualist

Type 4s are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They want to express their uniqueness.

To love them:

  • • Give them lots of compliments.
  • • Don’t try to cheer them up when they’re melancholy. They’re comfortable in it and will let you know when they need help.
  • • Don’t tell them they’re too sensitive or overreacting.
  • • Acknowledge the unique qualities you love about them.
  • • Remind them that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready to share their needs.

Type 5 – The Investigator

Type 5s are alert, insightful, and curious. They want to be capable and competent.

To show them you love them:

  • • Be independent, not clingy.
  • • Give them time alone to recharge and process their thoughts and feelings.
  • • Don’t surprise them or invade their privacy.
  • • Remind them that you’d like to know their feelings. But don’t push it – they’ll share when they’re ready.
  • • Value their ability to analyze and problem solve. 

Type 6 – The Loyalist

Loyalists are committed, security-oriented, and reliable. They crave security and support.

Show them you love them by:

  • • Never lying to them.
  • • Letting them know you’ll be there for them. Remember, they value consistency.
  • • Not dismissing them when they feel anxious.
  • • Not changing plans last minute.
  • • Giving them space to decompress after a stressful day.
  • • Being patient when they have to make a decision.
  • • Reminding them that they can rest even before everything that needs to be done is done.

Type 7 – The Enthusiast

Type 7s are extroverted, optimistic, and versatile. They want to be satisfied and content.

You can show them love by:

  • • Giving them companionship, affection, and freedom.
  • • Engaging in stimulating conversation and laughter with them.
  • • Never telling them what to do.
  • • Being enthusiastic and spontaneous with them.
  • • Reminding them to savor the current moment. They’re probably already looking forward to the next big thing.
  • • Accepting them just the way they are.

Type 8 – The Challenger

Challengers are self-confident, strong, and assertive. They want to be in control of their life and destiny.

To show them love:

  • • Be confident and direct, so they know you will stand up for yourself and them.
  • • Be vulnerable with them. That will let them know they can feel safe and open up to you.
  • • Acknowledge their contributions but don’t flatter them.
  • • Don’t shrink down around them. They want to know that you’re strong enough to hold your own.
  • • Join in a good debate with them. They’ll enjoy it!

Type 9 – The Peacemaker

Type 9s are accepting, trusting, and stable. They want peace of mind.

Love them by:

  • • Being patient with them. Don’t rush them.
  • • Showing them that their presence matters.
  • • Listening until they’ve finished talking, even when they meander. It will show them that what they say is important to you.
  • • Hearing and honoring their preferences. Remember, they won’t often have a preference.
  • • Speaking kindly and checking in with how they’re doing.
  • • Understanding that they need to balance obligations with plenty of downtime.
man kissing woman on forehead in front of mountains

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